Tag Archives: Humor

Daily Diversion #70: A Life of Lumpy Leisure

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When I’m not writing or reading, I’m taking snaps of the boys. Crosley and Duncan are truly my wet-nosed, slobbering, warm-eared Daily Diversions. Cros shows up on the blog more frequently because he spends most of his day sleeping on various lumpy things, his head on a pillow. It hasn’t been tested but I’m confident that Duncan has enough energy to power, at the very least, a four slice toaster. He doesn’t sit still for more than a few seconds. Today’s diversion features you-know-who, doing you-know-what. Imagine that.

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."-Groucho Marx

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”-Groucho Marx

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

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And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Saw doppelganger at night

  • Told Bond entire plan

  • Attempted to hypnotize cobra with flute despite its clearly established passion for the bassoon

  • Refused to let elitist, classicist, leftist, socialistic governmental attempts at intrusion on personal freedoms keep you from tormenting lions

  • Dominatrix lost focus for split second

  • Looked a little too much like an elderly Hitler

  • Crushed by overwhelming sense of meaninglessness in an empty universe  and/or tractor dropped from roof

  • Realized too late that the phrase “Leave me! Save yourselves!” is best spoken to dedicated loved ones and not panic-stricken strangers well out of earshot

  • Figurative statement taken literally

  • Junior weren’t never none too good with workin’ the safety on Ol’ Betsy

A Year in Books/Day 213: Drinking with George

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  • Title: Drinking with George A Barstool Professional’s Guide to Beer
  • Author: George Wendt with Jonathan Grotenstein
  • Year Published: 2009 (Simon Spotlight Entertainment)
  • Year Purchased: September, 2011 (at Oktoberfest Zinzinnati)
  • Source: George Wendt
  • About: George Wendt’s love affair with beer is a thing of epic beauty. Drinking with George is part personal biography and part encyclopedia of beer. It’s a strange combination that pairs as wonderfully as barley and hops. You could really say that he poured his heart and soul into this project. Tee-hee. It’s incredibly funny, informative, and can be read in the time it takes the average person to drink a couple pints of Guinness. It even comes with a bit of real, human romance: his love for his wife Bernadette Birkett (who voiced Vera Peterson on Cheers) is sweet and moving, if nearly as hilarious as his beer-induced exploits.
  • Motivation: The author hawked his book at last year’s Oktoberfest Zinzinnati. Only a humourless, beer-hating twit could resist buying a copy from the man himself.
  • Times Read: 1
  • Random Excerpt/Page 35: “Looking to lighten my load, I packed a leather travel bag I’d overpaid for in Marrakesh with my untouched and completely unnecessary suit and dress shoes. I sent them back to the States via tramp steamer, addressing the bag to my friend Joe Farmar so as not to offend my dad. A few months later, I would try to recover the clothes, only to discover that Joe had torn the suit, the shoes, and even the bag itself to shreds. This was entirely my fault: I hadn’t bothered to include a note, which confused Joe until he put “bag” together with “Marrakesh” and decided that I’d hidden hashish somewhere inside.”
  • Happiness Scale: 10

    George Wendt , with yours truly cropped out.

    George Wendt , with yours truly cropped out.

Apologia: Three Reasons Why I Haven’t Posted Much for a Week (One of Which Includes Wizards)

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Darlings,
I apologize for the relative lack of recent posts. Alas, what began on Sunday will continue for another four days. At this point it is entirely against my will, but what can a writer do when the universe plots against her? If you’d like to hear my excuses, continue reading.

REASON #1: Oktoberfest. The Queen City hosts the largest such celebration in the USA and the second largest in the world. In other words: beer, yo. Lots and lots of tasty beer.

REASON #2: Professional obligations. I worked on an article and a short story, planned my October production schedule, and created marketing materials for a local gallery event that happens next weekend.

REASON #3: Our cable mysteriously stopped functioning Thursday afternoon. Unfortunately, when it goes the high-speed internet connection follows. This issue is limited to our unit, and does not involve the box. The wizards at Time Warner have no idea what is wrong. Imagine that. Really. Imagine that. One of these mystical geniuses will be here Wednesday morning to trouble-shoot the problem and make it better, presumably in a cloud of mist and confusion. Until then, my ability to function professionally has been gutted. I’m unhappy, but still flippant as shit.

In summary: It’s me, not you! You are still as lovely as ever. I will be back full-time, and in glorious form, as soon as possible.

Love, love, love, love
Maedez

PS-It is not easy writing such a long, detailed post on my phone, although having child-sized hands helps tremendously. See how much I love you?
PPS-Until Wednesday and The Great Re-connection, my postings will likely be limited to Daily Diversions and quotes.

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

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And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Gruesomely fatal but very funny Stupid Human Trick
  • Suicide by Shriner
  • Towel not as bulletproof as originally thought
  •  Called before digging, but electric company rep was real practical joker
  • “What’s this button do?”
  • Cuz Joey Sherman double-dog dared you to
  • Gored by bull market
  • Should’ve moved car out of Rip Taylor’s parking space the first time he asked
  • Forgot about the whole “Don’t jump under the combine” thing
  • Crushed by flying debris as Kool-Aid Man crashed through wall
  • Bathed cat