Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Short, wheezy Harry Potter-lookin’ geek with glasses and inhaler actually did know magic

  • Sweet-natured, fun-loving personality aside, Barney is still a Tyrannosaur, after all…

  • Mistakenly thought safe word was ‘faster’

  • Inoperable rectal cancer resulting from prolonged radiation exposure due to constant photocopying of buttocks

  • Meddling kids and dumb dog accidentally ripped off actual face

  • Died a little inside.  Considerably more so outside

  • Faked death a little too well

  • Crushed under gigantic pile of naked cheerleaders

  • Run right over by usually gentle “Lightning” McQueen

  • Ultimately, ironically, literally proved you had no brains

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Gruesomely fatal but very funny Stupid Human Trick
  • Suicide by Shriner
  • Towel not as bulletproof as originally thought
  •  Called before digging, but electric company rep was real practical joker
  • “What’s this button do?”
  • Cuz Joey Sherman double-dog dared you to
  • Gored by bull market
  • Should’ve moved car out of Rip Taylor’s parking space the first time he asked
  • Forgot about the whole “Don’t jump under the combine” thing
  • Crushed by flying debris as Kool-Aid Man crashed through wall
  • Bathed cat

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Hot air balloon full of heroine ruptured in stomach
  • Pioneered new sharkback riding school.  Well, tried to …
  • Lacking hammer, used skull instead
  • Heavily armed, highly unstable mime
  • Hit by body of Burl Ives going 200 mph
  • Didn’t believe offspring’s insistence that monsters were under the bed, swept there anyway
  • Dedicated self to opening up minds of inner-city high school youths to joys of reading via The Turner Diaries
  • Psychopathic cellmate serving eight consecutive life sentences for unspeakably sadistic killing spree couldn’t take joke
  • Picked at it
  • “Whack it on the nose” survival tactic only pertains to bears, never to out-of-control buses
  • Willie Tyler and Lester.  Google them.

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Played chicken with asteroid
  • Failed Lord Vader for the last time
  • Wasn’t able to tell the difference between H2O and gunpowder
  • Successfully fulfilled lifelong quest to unearth Dracula
  • Brought knife to gunfight
  • Piano juggling accident
  • Embarrassment
  • “But that’s Roger Whitaker’s grilled cheese sandwich!”
  • Accepted request by scorpion to escort him to other side of river on back
  • Struck by barrel thrown by enraged gorilla
  • Marital catapult mishap

 

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Accidentally shot out of cannon
  • Overdosed on pillows
  • Backed over self with car
  • Heavily armed, highly unstable mime
  • Questioned religious doctrine of Kirk Cameron to his face
  • A little hard work did, in fact, kill you
  • Carnivorous gerbil
  • Visited exploding cousin
  • Caught between Inky and Clyde
  • Set on fire by very confused protesting monk
  • Proud winner of kerosene-drinking contest