Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Saw doppelganger at night

  • Told Bond entire plan

  • Attempted to hypnotize cobra with flute despite its clearly established passion for the bassoon

  • Refused to let elitist, classicist, leftist, socialistic governmental attempts at intrusion on personal freedoms keep you from tormenting lions

  • Dominatrix lost focus for split second

  • Looked a little too much like an elderly Hitler

  • Crushed by overwhelming sense of meaninglessness in an empty universe  and/or tractor dropped from roof

  • Realized too late that the phrase “Leave me! Save yourselves!” is best spoken to dedicated loved ones and not panic-stricken strangers well out of earshot

  • Figurative statement taken literally

  • Junior weren’t never none too good with workin’ the safety on Ol’ Betsy