The Splendiferously Bearded Writers Social Club: Vincent van Gogh*

  • Name: Vincent van Gogh
  • D/O/B: 3/30/1853
  • Member Since: 1886
  • Status: Active Member
  • Important Role: Giving art lessons to fellow members
  • Hobbies: Going on long walks through the countryside; living intensely; being misunderstood; transforming the art world
Van Gogh Painting Sunflowers by Paul Gauguin, 1888

Van Gogh Painting Sunflowers by Paul Gauguin, 1888. His beard is splendiferous by virtue of its vibrant hue.

*Vincent van Gogh was an exceptionally talented letter writer, at a time when correspondence was an art form. His letters are vivid, intelligent, and beautiful word paintings.

[Daily Prompt] Good Tidings: Positively Dickensian

Today’s Daily Prompt-Good Tidings:

Present-day you meets 10-years-ago you for coffee. Share with your younger self the most challenging thing, the most rewarding thing, and the most fun thing they have to look forward to.

This is my contribution!

Positively Dickensian

Two women sit across from each other at a table in a coffee shop. They take their tea the same way: Earl Grey, strong, two sugars. Turbinado, please, stirred clock-wise.

Their conversation goes like this:

2004 Mae: Hey, why are we blonde? We haven’t been blonde since we were seven, and we both know that was way more than ten years ago–yours or mine.

2014 Mae: We’ve met before, right? We’ve been radically altering our hair every few months since we were twelve. Some things don’t change. Wait until you get to 2012. That was a great hair year for us, even if we got sick of the Miley comparisons.

2004: Who is Miley?

2014: Never mind. We’ll know soon enough, and we’ll wish we didn’t.

2004: Oh, okay. Anyhoo, this is kind of weird. Why are we here, again? Do you have big news for me? Because I’m not sure that I want to know. Even if it doesn’t suck.

2014: Good, because I didn’t plan on giving you specifics, anyway.

2004: Well, what if I changed my mind? What if I want to know now?

2014: Too fucking bad. It doesn’t work that way.

2004: Did you bend time and space just to have tea with me? Honestly, that is kind of creepy. Is this some next-level Miss Havisham shit? Future me is so bereft that she finds a way to come back to a point when life was better? Oh, my god. Do I really turn into Miss Havisham? Seriously, is my future that pitiful?

2014: I’m not wearing a tattered wedding dress, am I? So, no. I forgot how kooky we can be.

2004: Wait. Wait! Do I-do we-become…normal? I’d rather be Miss Havisham.

2014: Haha, no! We’re amusing, too!

2004: Hey, don’t take credit for that line! I said it, so I am the amusing one. Continue reading

The Splendiferously Bearded Writers Social Club: Alfred, Lord Tennyson

  • Name: Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1st Baron Tennyson)
  • D/O/B: 8/6/1809
  • Member Since: 1862
  • Status: Charter Member
  • Important Role: Coordinator of club poetry workshops
  • Hobbies: Carrying out duties as the Poet Laureate of the United Kingdom; coining now-famous phrases; sitting for intense portraits
Alfred Lord Tennyson by Julia Margaret Cameron, 1869

Alfred, Lord Tennyson by Julia Margaret Cameron, 1869

The Splendiferously Bearded Writers Social Club: Herman Melville

  • Name: Herman Melville
  • D/O/B: 8/1/1819
  • Member Since: 1860
  • Status: Charter Member
  • Important Role: Chief teller of rousing sea-born tales, some of them even true
  • Hobbies: Whale-watching; dreaming of mystifying high-school students for generations to come; maintaining his luxurious head of model-worthy hair
Herman Melville, 1860

Herman Melville, 1860

The Splendiferously Bearded Writers Social Club: Henry David Thoreau

  • Name: Henry David Thoreau
  • D/O/B: 07/12/1817
  • Member Since: 1856
  • Status: Charter Member
  • Important Role: Chief lecturer and rabble-rouser at all meetings
  • Hobbies: Pondering; thinking; philosophizing; protesting; communing with nature; intensely staring at all and sundry
Henry David Thoreau, 1856

Henry David Thoreau, 1856

 

Oh, Spambots! You’re So Funny!

A Small Press Life is being hit hard by spambots this week (99% of which is caught by the spam filter, fortunately). These are my 3 faves from today, and my responses to them:

  1. Hello,My name is Job and I’m a professional fraenelce writer with 3 years of experience. ( (Nice to meet you, Job. Perhaps you could give me some tips on fraenelcing?)
  2. Boom shlakaaka boom boom, problem solved. (Boom boom, indeed.)
  3. I much prefer inrfamotive articles like this to that high brow literature. (I think you are on the wrong site, dude. 90% of what I write about is high brow literature, although I try to be as inrfamotive as possible).
Titta Ruffo

Is that you, Spambot? (It’s actually opera singer Titta Ruffo, dressed up as a clown. Circa 1913.)

The Splendiferously Bearded Writers Social Club: George MacDonald

  • Name: George MacDonald
  • D/O/B: 12/10/1824
  • Member Since: 1864
  • Status: Charter Member
  • Important Role: advice columnist for the club newsletter
  • Hobbies: Mentoring Lewis Carroll; befriending some literary giants and influencing others; getting his fantasy on

George MacDonald

George MacDonald

[Book Nerd Humour] Let’s Use Slate’s Travoltify Your Name Generator on Some Dead Writers

TRAVOLTIFY YOUR NAME

  • CHARLES DICKENS=CARYS DORNIELS
  • VIRGINIA WOOLF=VICTOR WHAYTE
  • JANE AUSTEN=JOE ALLORN
  • LEO TOLSTOY=LUKE TAYZLOR
  • KATHERINE MANSFIELD=KRISTOPHER MCEEZALD
  • JACK KEROUAC=JIA KEENEEDIA
  • F. SCOTT FITZGERALD=F. STUART FERZGUSON
  • ZELDA FITZGERALD=ZARA FERZGUSON
  • GEORGE ELIOT=GRACE EDJANS
  • ERNEST HEMINGWAY=ELLIOT HARGISION
  • ANNE BRONTË=AVA BORFES
  • CHARLOTTE BRONTË=COLE BORFES
  • EMILY BRONTË=ELIJAH BORFES

What does this alternate world look like?

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Thanks to Vickie Lester for letting me know about the Travoltify Your Name generator!