Category Archives: humor

Daily Prompt: Judgment Day

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I cannot get over the fact that it is possible to have one favourite book. My mind is blown. What was the question again?

This bafflement is in response to the Daily Prompt: Judgment Day. If you were to judge your favourite book by its cover, would you still read it?

The Splendiferously Bearded Writers Social Club: Walt Whitman

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  • Name: Walt Whitman
  • DOB: 5/13/1819
  • Member Since: 1863
  • Status: Charter Member
  • Important Role: Taking tickets at club functions.
  • Hobbies: Going to the library; teaching; writing barrier-smashing poetry; keeping us guessing.
Walt Whitman by G. Frank E. Pearsall, 1872

Walt Whitman by G. Frank E. Pearsall, 1872

[Book Nerd Nonsense] E.L. James, Writing Advisor?

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Any aspiring professional willing to take writing advice from E.L. James is an idiot. Although her bank account is inspirational, her ability is not. The opposite direction is this way. —————> You are welcome.

E.L. James’ ‘Shades of Grey: Inner Goddess’: a writer’s journal [courtesy Los Angeles Times Books]

The Splendiferously Bearded Writers Social Club: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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  • Name: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
  • DOB: 02/27/1807
  • Member Since: 1863
  • Status: Charter member
  • Important Role: Manning the punch bowl at club functions.
  • Hobbies: Reading Latin; translating Dante; writing poetry; styling his luxurious white beard into tiny braids.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow by Julia Margaret Cameron, 1868

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow by Julia Margaret Cameron, 1868

 

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

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And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Short, wheezy Harry Potter-lookin’ geek with glasses and inhaler actually did know magic

  • Sweet-natured, fun-loving personality aside, Barney is still a Tyrannosaur, after all…

  • Mistakenly thought safe word was ‘faster’

  • Inoperable rectal cancer resulting from prolonged radiation exposure due to constant photocopying of buttocks

  • Meddling kids and dumb dog accidentally ripped off actual face

  • Died a little inside.  Considerably more so outside

  • Faked death a little too well

  • Crushed under gigantic pile of naked cheerleaders

  • Run right over by usually gentle “Lightning” McQueen

  • Ultimately, ironically, literally proved you had no brains

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

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And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Saw doppelganger at night

  • Told Bond entire plan

  • Attempted to hypnotize cobra with flute despite its clearly established passion for the bassoon

  • Refused to let elitist, classicist, leftist, socialistic governmental attempts at intrusion on personal freedoms keep you from tormenting lions

  • Dominatrix lost focus for split second

  • Looked a little too much like an elderly Hitler

  • Crushed by overwhelming sense of meaninglessness in an empty universe  and/or tractor dropped from roof

  • Realized too late that the phrase “Leave me! Save yourselves!” is best spoken to dedicated loved ones and not panic-stricken strangers well out of earshot

  • Figurative statement taken literally

  • Junior weren’t never none too good with workin’ the safety on Ol’ Betsy

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

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And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Ingested bong

  • Thought saying “Braaaaaains …”  and limping with arms outstretched in menacing manner would be a really funny way to greet a group of  jumpy zombie hunters

  • Victim blamed it all on the media; in response, the media blew up victim’s car

  • Chicken surprisingly well-versed in the use of butterfly knife

  • Pulled out nose hair (of Mr. T)

  • Idiot husband apparently thought himself some sort of freakin’ engineering genius when tinkering with gas furnace

  • Wasn’t so much the heat as it was the humidity – and the alligators

  • Rocket pack failure makes escape from sarlacc pit impossible

  • Otherwise would have had to endure another Twilight sequel

  • Doused with boiling-hot fudge, skinned alive by a barrage of peanuts, and  drowned in gallons of soft-serve ice cream during bloody coup d’état in the land of Dairy Queen