Tag Archives: Humor

I’m Reading a Dirty Book (and, no, it’s not Fifty Shades of… Anything)

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I’m reading a dirty book and, no, it’s not Fifty Shades of…Anything. It’s worse. I picked it up last week at the dollar store. During check-out I hid it in the middle of a pile of cleaning supplies, but the cashier wasn’t fooled: she gave me side eye. Owning it makes me blush. I would never, ever be seen in public with it under my arm or nose. We’re friends, though, right? Right? Okay, good. I’m a bit shy about this sensitive subject, so I am going to divulge my secret in a photograph. Deep breath. Here it is: Continue reading →

A Bunch of Books I’m Glad I Didn’t Write

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A bunch of books I’m glad I didn’t write, courtesy of AbeBooks.com’s Weird Book Room.

  1. The Art of Painting Animals on Rocks by Linn Wellford- I’m pretty sure my Aunt Lauree owned this book. She definitely painted animals on rocks. It was a strange time.
  2. How You Can Bowl Better Using Self-Hypnosis-File this under: things I will never do, two.
  3. Whose Bottom is This? A Lift-the-Flap Book-Very educational, no doubt.
  4. A Lust for Window Sills by Harry Mount-Wasn’t this featured on an episode of Taboo?
  5. All About Scabs by Genichiro Yagyu-Everything you ever wanted to know, in one handy volume.
  6. A Cow is Too Much Trouble in Los Angeles by Joseph Foster-Sometimes you just have to learn things the hard way.

Plus, two I wish I had:

  1. Boy George Fashion and Make-up Book by Wayne Winder-Why the hell not? This is still relevant, right?
  2. Liberace: Your Personal Fashion Consultant by Michael and Karan Feder-If you really want to shine. I would die happy if this book was on my resume.

 

A Year in Books/Day 197: Me of Little Faith

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  • Title: Me of Little Faith
  • Author: Lewis Black
  • Year Published: 2008 (Riverhead Books)
  • Year Purchased: 2010
  • Source: Clearance rack, unknown bookstore
  • About: During the 90 minutes it took to read Me of Little Faith, I did so with Lewis Black’s voice in my head. It was like a book-on-tape experience without the tape part. Or disc, as this isn’t 1984. If you’ve ever seen Black do, well, anything, you know what to expect from his religious diatribe/angry memoir. It reads like one of his stand-up routines, which is a good thing: he’s witty, smart, articulate, inappropriate, honest and decidedly on-point about nearly everything he touches. Unless you disagree with him, in which case you’ll find this book, and my review of it, a miserable read. Continue reading →

Daily Diversion #35: Not Every Diversion is a Good Diversion

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As of 6:00 PM Wednesday, this was the photograph I was going to post for my 35th Daily Diversion.

Yum! Tacos!

Yum! Tacos!

Last week, a friend opened an eclectic little taco shop in the neighborhood behind ours. We missed the official opening because we were out-of-state attending a family wedding/staring at the Toronto skyline. We’re hardcore devotees, though, so we made up for it by walking 3 miles round trip just to eat a few heaven-stuffed tortillas. Afterwards, when we rounded the side of our building, instead of seeing an empty street…we saw a police cruiser and a wrecker hoisting up a strange car. Then, this pitiful sight:

Pretty, isn't it?

Innocent bystander

Our parked Durango was just collateral damage in the broad daylight shenanigans of a random heroin addict, who decided to shoot up whilst careening down the street in a too-fast car with her baby strapped in the back seat. RHA is in the county lock-up, the unharmed baby is with his/her Grandma and our (only) vehicle is likely headed to the great scrap pile in the sky. It was hit with enough force to move it 4 feet forward and 2 feet to the side from where my husband left it last night.

I haven't trotted out Millais' Ophelia for awhile, but she is perfect for so many situations.

I haven’t trotted out Millais’ Ophelia for a while, but she is perfect for so many situations.

Until the insurance adjusters have come and gone-for good or ill-this is how you will find me.

A Year in Books/Day 190: Feminist Ryan Gosling

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  • Title: Feminist Ryan Gosling Feminist Theory As Imagined from Your Favorite Sensitive Movie Dude (Unauthorized)
  • Author: Danielle Henderson
  • Year Published: 2012 (Running Press)
  • Year Purchased: 2012
  • Source: This was a birthday gift from my mom.
  • About: Based on the hilarious blog of the same name, this book is every bit as good as the original source. I do not have an opinion on Ryan Gosling. Is he a fine actor? Word-of-mouth and critical response indicates as much. Is he as good-looking as many people think? That’s a matter of opinion. Until a year ago, I never even gave him any thought. As soon as I saw the first blog post, I was in love. With this concept. Feminist theory coming out of the mouth* of an actor known for his positive sentiments about women? Next to photographs of him looking thoughtful and sensitive (really, is there any other kind?). The very idea cracks me up. Hey girl, indeed. *(Naturally, he never said any of the quotes attributed to him in the blog or book. Is that a detraction? Nope. In fact, it makes it even better.)
  • Motivation: I’m a feminist with a sense of humor. There are lots of us, by the way, and this book is proof.
  • Times Read: More than once, and I’ve only had it one week.
  • Random Excerpt/Pages 62 & 99: “Hey girl. We’d be more successful at reclaiming public space for women if we were willing to address the patriarchal fixtures that made it unsafe in the first place.”/ “Hey girl. I literally have no idea how to react to someone who hasn’t read Judy Blume’s Forever.”
  • Happiness Scale: 10+++

I’m Sensing a Trend

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I’m lucky enough to share a birthday with one of my favourite actors (John Gilbert), one of my favourite writers (Marcel Proust) and the possessor of one of the most brilliant (recorded) minds in history (Nikola Tesla). What else do they have in common? Hmmm, let’s see.

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I’ve found that frivolous observations are best made on serious days. I’m off to celebrate with the husband at the newest contemporary Indian restaurant/bar in town. Toodles.

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

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And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Thought “Cape does not enable wearer to fly” warning only applicable to those who didn’t BELIEVE!
  • Accidentally kept parents from meeting
  • Thought cost-prohibitive Sealy Posturpedic mattress could be easily substituted by considerably less expensive pile of burning debris
  • Completely misinterpreted dog’s orders on who to shoot
  • Beheaded by peasants
  • Forgot which order deathtraps in pyramid were placed
  • Too much fun
  • Told Bond entire plan
  • Showed Buddha flaws in his philosophy; subsequently beaten to death by livid Buddha
  • Tried to prove lions were ticklish
  • Superstitious cops used silver bullets

 

Some Book Recommendations for When You are Stuck in a Car for Way Too Long

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The lovely Elisa of Fun & Fabulousness-she of the impeccable eye-asked if I could recommend some books appropriate to read on a looong car ride. Specifically, five. Five books, so she can choose one for her trip.

Painting by Carl von Steuben

(Painting by Carl von Steuben)

I’m honored; naturally, I said yes! I promptly got to work. It was all downhill from there. What happened? Continue reading →

Words Mean Things

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DISCLAIMER: This rant is not directed at our wonderful followers or their lovely blogs. We love you!

Words mean things. Although the English language is highly malleable-giving us an exceptional amount of leeway in how we use it-there are still basic rules to follow, if you enjoy being taken seriously and don’t want to look like a twit. In my fight against imprecision in language, I’ve adopted the term “words mean things”. It’s short, easy to remember and to the point. I’m not ashamed to shout it at myself whenever I feel my writing is too mealy-mouthed.

*

I’m in the habit of reading blog posts on my smart phone while still in bed. Call it what you will, but I like to think of it as laziness. Continue reading →

A Year in Books/Day 12: Bizarre Books

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His Excellency Lord Aberdeen

Image via Wikipedia-Lord Aberdeen, quite the humorist.

  • Title: Bizarre Books A Compendium of Classic Oddities
  • Authors: Russell Ash & Brian Lake
  • Year Published: 2007 (Harper Perennial)
  • Year Purchased: 2010
  • Source: Barnes & Noble clearance rack
  • About: This books features the best of the worst titles that England has produced, in one handy, uproarious little volume. All of these works were written and published in all seriousness.
  • Motivation: ‘Jokes Cracked by Lord Aberdeen’, ‘An Irishman’s Difficulties with the Dutch Language’ and ‘How to Avoid Work’ are all reproduced on the front cover. I’m also obsessed with lists.
  • Times Read: 1
  • Random Excerpt/Page 132: “While Dick knelt down, ready to fire, Syl could not help but clutch his wonderfully-got bag of marbles.”
  • Happiness Scale: 9 1/2