Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Thought “Cape does not enable wearer to fly” warning only applicable to those who didn’t BELIEVE!
  • Accidentally kept parents from meeting
  • Thought cost-prohibitive Sealy Posturpedic mattress could be easily substituted by considerably less expensive pile of burning debris
  • Completely misinterpreted dog’s orders on who to shoot
  • Beheaded by peasants
  • Forgot which order deathtraps in pyramid were placed
  • Too much fun
  • Told Bond entire plan
  • Showed Buddha flaws in his philosophy; subsequently beaten to death by livid Buddha
  • Tried to prove lions were ticklish
  • Superstitious cops used silver bullets

 

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