Apologia: Three Reasons Why I Haven’t Posted Much for a Week (One of Which Includes Wizards)

Darlings,
I apologize for the relative lack of recent posts. Alas, what began on Sunday will continue for another four days. At this point it is entirely against my will, but what can a writer do when the universe plots against her? If you’d like to hear my excuses, continue reading.

REASON #1: Oktoberfest. The Queen City hosts the largest such celebration in the USA and the second largest in the world. In other words: beer, yo. Lots and lots of tasty beer.

REASON #2: Professional obligations. I worked on an article and a short story, planned my October production schedule, and created marketing materials for a local gallery event that happens next weekend.

REASON #3: Our cable mysteriously stopped functioning Thursday afternoon. Unfortunately, when it goes the high-speed internet connection follows. This issue is limited to our unit, and does not involve the box. The wizards at Time Warner have no idea what is wrong. Imagine that. Really. Imagine that. One of these mystical geniuses will be here Wednesday morning to trouble-shoot the problem and make it better, presumably in a cloud of mist and confusion. Until then, my ability to function professionally has been gutted. I’m unhappy, but still flippant as shit.

In summary: It’s me, not you! You are still as lovely as ever. I will be back full-time, and in glorious form, as soon as possible.

Love, love, love, love
Maedez

PS-It is not easy writing such a long, detailed post on my phone, although having child-sized hands helps tremendously. See how much I love you?
PPS-Until Wednesday and The Great Re-connection, my postings will likely be limited to Daily Diversions and quotes.

Daily Diversion #35: Not Every Diversion is a Good Diversion

As of 6:00 PM Wednesday, this was the photograph I was going to post for my 35th Daily Diversion.

Yum! Tacos!

Yum! Tacos!

Last week, a friend opened an eclectic little taco shop in the neighborhood behind ours. We missed the official opening because we were out-of-state attending a family wedding/staring at the Toronto skyline. We’re hardcore devotees, though, so we made up for it by walking 3 miles round trip just to eat a few heaven-stuffed tortillas. Afterwards, when we rounded the side of our building, instead of seeing an empty street…we saw a police cruiser and a wrecker hoisting up a strange car. Then, this pitiful sight:

Pretty, isn't it?

Innocent bystander

Our parked Durango was just collateral damage in the broad daylight shenanigans of a random heroin addict, who decided to shoot up whilst careening down the street in a too-fast car with her baby strapped in the back seat. RHA is in the county lock-up, the unharmed baby is with his/her Grandma and our (only) vehicle is likely headed to the great scrap pile in the sky. It was hit with enough force to move it 4 feet forward and 2 feet to the side from where my husband left it last night.

I haven't trotted out Millais' Ophelia for awhile, but she is perfect for so many situations.

I haven’t trotted out Millais’ Ophelia for a while, but she is perfect for so many situations.

Until the insurance adjusters have come and gone-for good or ill-this is how you will find me.

Cat Sweater

I am a housecat.

My duty in life is to shed hair, bathe myself with my tongue, and irritate the allergies of the innocent.

Today, my owner forced me into a sweater.  A “cat” sweater.

I have no idea why.  I’m covered with fur. I assume it is because an exclusively-indoor, fur-bearing creature being stuffed into cold-weather clothing is meant to reflect the tenants of that sinister and enigmatic concept humans refer to as “cute”.

(Shudder.)

I dare not explore my owner’s thinking any further for fear it may lead to intractable madness.

I have determined to lay here in protest, on the floor of our central-heating-equipped dwelling, until this woolen body prison is removed and burned. Either that, or until the breaking of spring.  Until then, I try not to consider the disquieting ramifications of my owner’s interest in something called a “feline fashion show”.

Meow.

Fuel for My Jetpack, Mead for My Dragon

Doing the impossible is a lot harder than it sounds.

Being a science-fiction or fantasy writer is hard.  Wrestling with the hassle of plot, theme, character, setting, transition, voice, and deeply rooted psycho-sexual subtext is hard enough without having to deal with the added challenge of hanging the threads of your story from the rafters of disbelief in order to satisfy the demands of the genre.  As if these hurdles weren’t high enough, the problem of inspiration when it comes to thinking up a memorable and appropriately science-fictiony or fantastical-without-being-embarrassingly-flamboyant name for characters and exotic lands becomes even more frustrating when writer’s block insists on being a squatter in the house of ideas.

Fortunately, the Internet hosts a series of solutions to this problem in the form of name generators.  Name generators are applications that are programed to combine a number of different elements of vowel sounds, consonant constructions and a slew of other linguistic elements into new configurations that give you just the unearthly quality you need to sound authentic.

One of the first and best experiences I’ve had is with seventhsanctum.com, a website by Steven Savage featuring a particularly robust set of generators.  Not content to focus on names alone, the site enables the visitor to play with a number of different subjects, from character names to planet names, story ideas, character skills and even ideas for when good old cousin Writer’s Block stops in for a few days.

A quick click on Elf Names – described as “Names for both Tolkeinesque elves, Wild Elves, and general fantasy,” – opens up a page that requests the number of names desired (up to 25), a category field offering the choices of High Elves, Wild Elves or Full Names, and a generate button.  A selection of ten High Elf names renders thus:

Aderlusn Hammerfinder
Adsaar Smilefollower
Atagear Firewand
Atleid Lakemaker
Goglaal Prayerstealer
Ilburb Mercyblade
Ilolain Rainvoyager
Lorhaeg Dreamfletcher
Naratg Featherfollower
Otibnadr Hawkbrewer

Somewhere in there is my future pen name.  Or hotel-check-in alias.

           The names don’t always have to be exotic.  Utilizing information from the US Census, seventhsanctum.com’s Quick Name Generator can supply you with garden-variety appellations that can also be frustratingly difficult to come up with without sounding bland. Kristina Scott, Lily Cash, and Stefanie Hatfield would agree – were they real people.

           The site is a blessing for anyone looking for humor or inspiration in writing their story or bringing their role-playing game setting and characters to life.  It was put together with an obvious love for writing and creativity.  Not content to simply kitbash the English language and leave it at that, there are several links to other sites and features meant to aid the artist’s mind in advancing technique and even suggestions as to how to make forays into the world of getting paid to do what you love.

           So the next time you seethe with frustration when you find that somebody else preemptively stole your idea to name the dashing hero Han Solo or Aragorn, head on over to seventhsanctum.com to kick-start your creative slump, and find a doorway into a great community as well.

KMS

Troll School

Common sense and a grasp of basic reasoning skills should never get in the way of winning an Internet argument. Time for another priceless pearl of wisdom from Troll School!

Lesson# 4: Oh yeah? What about Clinton? (alternatively: Oh yeah? What about Carter/FDR?)

No argument, no matter how well made, can ever withstand the brutal onslaught of the administrations of former US Presidents Clinton, Carter, or Roosevelt. Whatever positive influences these three presidents may have had on their country or the world around them notwithstanding, their personal failures, foibles, and intern-related indiscretions are enough to win any Internet conflict you may be involved in. To wit:

“Dick Cheney just shot a man in the face!”
“Oh, yeh? What about Clinton?”
Argument solved.

Troll School

The wild and wooly world of the Internet has provided the human race with a burgeoning treasury of knowledge and information, beamed directly to our computers faster than our minds can process it. It is important to remember, in this fast-paced digital age, that no amount of facts, critical thinking or indisputable evidence should ever get in the way of winning an argument.

Certain aspects of debate – such as not knowing what one is talking about, arguing more from emotion than logic, and/or simply making things up out of thin air – form the rock-solid foundation of making an unassailable point, and should not be forgotten in the advent of technology that provides for immediate fact-checking.

It is thus in the spirit of public service that we now present to you, our reader, the finer points of winning an argument online, or, as we like to call it, TROLL SCHOOL.

Lesson One: Semantics.
The reason, intelligence, and wealth of facts any enemy poster may have will be completely undone with the use of semantics.
It doesn’t matter if said opponent is a constitutional scholar with a PhD. in American history, one single word will undo them. For example:
“America is a democracy”.
This falsehood is ripe for the pickings with the response:
“WRONG, d_ _ _kface! America is a republic!”

The fact that the enemy poster never implied that the US is a commonwealth, a giant state, a kingdom, et al notwithstanding – he’s a total commie, and he just demonstrated it.

Join us under the bridge next Sunday for a new lesson. Until then, keep on trollin’!