Category Archives: humor

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

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And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Gruesomely fatal but very funny Stupid Human Trick
  • Suicide by Shriner
  • Towel not as bulletproof as originally thought
  •  Called before digging, but electric company rep was real practical joker
  • “What’s this button do?”
  • Cuz Joey Sherman double-dog dared you to
  • Gored by bull market
  • Should’ve moved car out of Rip Taylor’s parking space the first time he asked
  • Forgot about the whole “Don’t jump under the combine” thing
  • Crushed by flying debris as Kool-Aid Man crashed through wall
  • Bathed cat

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

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5

And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Thought “Cape does not enable wearer to fly” warning only applicable to those who didn’t BELIEVE!
  • Accidentally kept parents from meeting
  • Thought cost-prohibitive Sealy Posturpedic mattress could be easily substituted by considerably less expensive pile of burning debris
  • Completely misinterpreted dog’s orders on who to shoot
  • Beheaded by peasants
  • Forgot which order deathtraps in pyramid were placed
  • Too much fun
  • Told Bond entire plan
  • Showed Buddha flaws in his philosophy; subsequently beaten to death by livid Buddha
  • Tried to prove lions were ticklish
  • Superstitious cops used silver bullets

 

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

Posted on by
4

And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Hot air balloon full of heroine ruptured in stomach
  • Pioneered new sharkback riding school.  Well, tried to …
  • Lacking hammer, used skull instead
  • Heavily armed, highly unstable mime
  • Hit by body of Burl Ives going 200 mph
  • Didn’t believe offspring’s insistence that monsters were under the bed, swept there anyway
  • Dedicated self to opening up minds of inner-city high school youths to joys of reading via The Turner Diaries
  • Psychopathic cellmate serving eight consecutive life sentences for unspeakably sadistic killing spree couldn’t take joke
  • Picked at it
  • “Whack it on the nose” survival tactic only pertains to bears, never to out-of-control buses
  • Willie Tyler and Lester.  Google them.

Cat Sweater

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6

I am a housecat.

My duty in life is to shed hair, bathe myself with my tongue, and irritate the allergies of the innocent.

Today, my owner forced me into a sweater.  A “cat” sweater.

I have no idea why.  I’m covered with fur. I assume it is because an exclusively-indoor, fur-bearing creature being stuffed into cold-weather clothing is meant to reflect the tenants of that sinister and enigmatic concept humans refer to as “cute”.

(Shudder.)

I dare not explore my owner’s thinking any further for fear it may lead to intractable madness.

I have determined to lay here in protest, on the floor of our central-heating-equipped dwelling, until this woolen body prison is removed and burned. Either that, or until the breaking of spring.  Until then, I try not to consider the disquieting ramifications of my owner’s interest in something called a “feline fashion show”.

Meow.

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

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And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Played chicken with asteroid
  • Failed Lord Vader for the last time
  • Wasn’t able to tell the difference between H2O and gunpowder
  • Successfully fulfilled lifelong quest to unearth Dracula
  • Brought knife to gunfight
  • Piano juggling accident
  • Embarrassment
  • “But that’s Roger Whitaker’s grilled cheese sandwich!”
  • Accepted request by scorpion to escort him to other side of river on back
  • Struck by barrel thrown by enraged gorilla
  • Marital catapult mishap

 

Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

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And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Accidentally shot out of cannon
  • Overdosed on pillows
  • Backed over self with car
  • Heavily armed, highly unstable mime
  • Questioned religious doctrine of Kirk Cameron to his face
  • A little hard work did, in fact, kill you
  • Carnivorous gerbil
  • Visited exploding cousin
  • Caught between Inky and Clyde
  • Set on fire by very confused protesting monk
  • Proud winner of kerosene-drinking contest