Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Hot air balloon full of heroine ruptured in stomach
  • Pioneered new sharkback riding school.  Well, tried to …
  • Lacking hammer, used skull instead
  • Heavily armed, highly unstable mime
  • Hit by body of Burl Ives going 200 mph
  • Didn’t believe offspring’s insistence that monsters were under the bed, swept there anyway
  • Dedicated self to opening up minds of inner-city high school youths to joys of reading via The Turner Diaries
  • Psychopathic cellmate serving eight consecutive life sentences for unspeakably sadistic killing spree couldn’t take joke
  • Picked at it
  • “Whack it on the nose” survival tactic only pertains to bears, never to out-of-control buses
  • Willie Tyler and Lester.  Google them.

Cat Sweater

I am a housecat.

My duty in life is to shed hair, bathe myself with my tongue, and irritate the allergies of the innocent.

Today, my owner forced me into a sweater.  A “cat” sweater.

I have no idea why.  I’m covered with fur. I assume it is because an exclusively-indoor, fur-bearing creature being stuffed into cold-weather clothing is meant to reflect the tenants of that sinister and enigmatic concept humans refer to as “cute”.


I dare not explore my owner’s thinking any further for fear it may lead to intractable madness.

I have determined to lay here in protest, on the floor of our central-heating-equipped dwelling, until this woolen body prison is removed and burned. Either that, or until the breaking of spring.  Until then, I try not to consider the disquieting ramifications of my owner’s interest in something called a “feline fashion show”.


Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Played chicken with asteroid
  • Failed Lord Vader for the last time
  • Wasn’t able to tell the difference between H2O and gunpowder
  • Successfully fulfilled lifelong quest to unearth Dracula
  • Brought knife to gunfight
  • Piano juggling accident
  • Embarrassment
  • “But that’s Roger Whitaker’s grilled cheese sandwich!”
  • Accepted request by scorpion to escort him to other side of river on back
  • Struck by barrel thrown by enraged gorilla
  • Marital catapult mishap


Things Your Autopsy Report Should Not Say

And now, in the interest of public service, we present:

  • Accidentally shot out of cannon
  • Overdosed on pillows
  • Backed over self with car
  • Heavily armed, highly unstable mime
  • Questioned religious doctrine of Kirk Cameron to his face
  • A little hard work did, in fact, kill you
  • Carnivorous gerbil
  • Visited exploding cousin
  • Caught between Inky and Clyde
  • Set on fire by very confused protesting monk
  • Proud winner of kerosene-drinking contest

A Year in Books/Day 97: The Dictionary of Disagreeable English

  • Title: The Dictionary of Disagreeable English A Curmudgeon’s Compendium of Excruciatingly Correct Grammar
  • Author: Robert Hartwell Fiske
  • Year Published: 2005 (Writer’s Digest Books)
  • Year Purchased: 2005
  • Source: Writer’s Digest Book Club
  • About: I love this book. I know what you are thinking! “I know how to spell. I do not confuse or misuse words.” Neither do I. Even if your English is already agreeable, it is a great reference tool. It reminds you that linguistic sloppiness is never okay. It’s also an interesting study in how language is casually and unknowingly degraded on a daily basis.
  • Motivation: We’ve covered this one before: I think reference books are sexy.
  • Times Read: 3 or 4 or 70. I don’t know!
  • Random Excerpt/Page 342: “20. guesstimate. Use estimate, for crying out loud! It’s the same word!”
  • Happiness Scale: 8

Fuel for My Jetpack, Mead for My Dragon Supplement –

Fan to Pro by Steven Savage

A Review

The engineering major gazing at the movie screen, wishing he had been at the computers of WETA studios when Gandalf took on the Balrog.  The retired warehouse worker with his Steelers jersey, hat, socks, beer mug – and faded fantasies of being on the gridiron during the big game.  The overworked store manager who had been told her singing voice was angelic, but that her dreams of singing for the masses were impractical and childish.

From an early age, we are told that our various fandoms – be they for sports, entertainment, recreational sciences, art, whatever – are just silly wish-dreams that should be put aside for the rigors of the seemingly more practical day-in-day-out of work.  We may find no joy in ‘work’, in fact, we may even hate it – yet, we attend our duties faithfully while dreaming of more desirable activities.

Why do we do this?  Sure, we have to keep from starving, but why are people always encouraged to relegate their fandoms to their off hours, always warned against turning their passions into paychecks?  Are we obligated to condemn that which brings us happiness the joyless realm of Never-Everland?

Fan-to-Pro: Unlocking Career Insights With Your Hobbies is a work that doesn’t merely seek the answer to that question; author Steven Savage and editor Jessica Hardy intend to help you get past it.

Fan-to-Pro is a book that revels, praises, exults, and joyfully rolls around in the world of fandom.  Though he has a background in science-fiction and fantasy fandom (as well as extensive experience in IT and career recruiting), Savage makes it clear that fandom covers any number of celebrated subjects, from the aforementioned sci-fi, to sports, and even art.

As the title implies, Fan to Pro refers to turning your hobby into a career that you would love.  What makes the book special is how much it puts itself in the corner of the fan.  A touching element of Chapter 3 is where Savage delves into “Fandom Edges”.  These would be common traits seen among die-hard fans that give them a particular advantage when striving for their goal.  In these fans, Savage sees qualities such as experience, knowledge and passion, tools inherent in any successful artist, football player or entrepreneur.  The goal is to get the reader to recognize these qualities in themselves and fan them into confidence to move forward, improve their skills, and excel in their endeavors.

The book lends itself well to being read.  It is written in a straightforward, informal and funny tone in which it presents sage advice and several exercises meant to help the reader get past the common hurdles, both physical and mental, of making their dream come true.  It’s not simply focusing on what you like that matters; it’s important to look at what you like from different perspectives and see practical ways to turn it into a profession.

The reader is implored to turn away from the disheartening, ultimately empty criticisms of how futile and unprofitable fandom can be, and instead is advised to focus on the actually pragmatic benefits fandom can provide.  Organizing a convention would be a fantastic way to network, for example.  The author himself mentions that his math skills were greatly enhanced from having to work with math while playing RPGs in college.

Fan to Pro, however, is not simply a warm-fuzzy meant to make you feel that all the hours you spend chatting on a Skyrim forum is actual work.  In addition to the exercises mentioned, important topics such as learning about the industries you’re interested in, connecting with others, and even the particularly tricky subject of relocating is thoroughly addressed.

Savage and Hardy have comprised this short (127 pages) work from a series of blogs that had explored the world of fandom and fandom-based careers thoroughly. Through gentle, good-natured humor and encouragement, the reader is instructed to take their passions seriously.  History has proven repeatedly that no great writer, inventor, physician, linebacker – geeks all, in their own way – could have ever made it otherwise.

Fan-to-Pro: Unlocking Career Insights With Your Hobbies is available to order from in print, Kindle, ePub and PDF format.  To see the blog that brought about the book, check out

Check out Steven Savage’s additional work at and  Point your browser to the following for his other books.

Wanted: One Resourceful Book Lover

  • Wanted: One resourceful book lover
  • Your Mission: To invent an easily removable price sticker that does not require any of the following: a razor, solvent or 20 minutes spent digging with a fingernail.
  • Requirements: Patience and excellent sales ability, as you will need every book shop in the world to use your product.
  • Your Reward: Eternal glory and the genuine thanks of millions of readers everywhere. Oh, and lots of cash, as you will doubtless become filthy rich in the
    Paradise Ruined by Another Cheap Label

    Paradise Ruined by Another Cheap Label


  • Signed: Maedez